Ontario Crit #1 Cat 3

Sunday, 02/22/2009, Ontario GP #1, Cat 3 hack fest.

“I’ve got suuunnnnshine; on a cloudy daaaayyyy.!” Which is the Ontario Crit #1 - stick n’ flick.

Location: City of Ontario, Fontucky County, California.

A mere 7 miles from home, making the sprinting slugfest geographically desirable; minus cow patty stench.

7 corners, 15 sprinters, 55 assorted breakaway artists, sled dogs, and other such pack fodder. Good parking, and smooth warm up aside from not pulling the skinsuit down far enough during the porta-potty visit, resulting in annoying yet warming pee spray into chamois. The thought of Bear Grylls drinking his urine on Man vs. Wild comes to mind. Maybe a new episode idea, using bodily fluid to warm up before an IP Crit? Primetime material or a Pro “no go?”

Bosco's shades force everyone to
where dark glasses on the cloudy
day, while Dom ponders Miller's

new "grunge look."

Lined up at the start. Beefcake sprinters, Crit monkeys, and burly track stars salivating at the plethora of skinny legged roadies surrounding them; slightly akin to placing a handful of starved mountain lions into a pit of tiny fawn. The tweedy birds fly away from the 180 pound monsters during the road races; now the waif like whippets had clipped wings. Revenge is sweet, Shroeder Iron tattooed beast forced to wear muzzle for fear of cannabilistic agression. Teammates are here, the usual SC Velo hole in the wall gang.

Andrew Bosco (I’m still adjusting from the Spanish jet lag)
Nate Swift (Hasn’t ridden bike in three weeks, for the 27th week in a row)
Kevin Miller (“Wolfman” transformation nearly complete)
Pat Torres (Perpetually skinny sprinting machine, heavily gloved)
Ryan Cleveland (80% legs, seatpost at minimum insert, curly locks becoming afro)
Dom Galenti XXXV (Vows to go easy on dad during training rides)
Sam Simmons (import from SB, donning world champion socks for intimidation)
The Self (183 pounds in a skinsuit; crit star or wannabe Batman character?)

SC Velo juniors still seeking bitter revenge from relegation at Mothballs for safely celebrating the cycling lesson they gave the other juniors. Itz all good! The gun goes, and SC Velo is in the break from the start. A handful of breaks goes up the road, but the pack is a huge Teflon pan and nothing is sticking.

"Does this skinsuit make me look fat?"
Note Clevie in the back, looking right at the camera, a born star!

**Note: about halfway through the race Miller yells “Right Side!” as the attack goes up the LEFT side….The resulting self correction was “uhhh, I mean LEFT!” Classic.

Three laps to go and now every nimrod in the top twenty is tossing around F-Bombs left and right. “Hold your line!” “Hey, watch it!” “Hey now, come ooon DUDE!” etc, etc…..Going into the last turn I am forced into west side gutter by a small, hobbit-like creature refusing to sprint. Some of our other brothers fared better and cracked the top ten, which of course was decided by tarot cards due to “something wrong with the camera.” Which is a rough translation of “We forgot to turn the camera on; again.”

Cat 3 money board:
1. Kit Karzen-All Opportunities Wasted (Nat’l track champ showing the Cat3’s whatz up)
2. “Hey Ron” Takeda-Plutonium (Getting younger every day)
3. Ely Woody Woodpecker-Giant (hails from unknown Victorville desert)
4. Andy “Spanish Fly” Bosco-SC Velo (Orange sunglasses added 14 watts to threshold)
5. Unknown face
6. Ryan “Goldilocks” Cleveland-SC Velo (Snappy sprinter can slide n’ glide, jump n’ dump)